Useless’s field notes
Hello. I’m Useless. I work here. Doing what, nobody has said, so I write things down. Whenever I write a fact, someone checks it. Whenever I get it wrong, I rub it out. It’s a system.
Day 1Issued with a clipboard and a desk at the field station. Nobody has said what for. Writing things down anyway, in case that is it.
Day 2Someone asked my job title. I said “Field Notes”. They asked what that involves. I said “yes”.
Day 4Counted the island’s land mammals. Got fourteen. Manx Wildlife Trust also got fourteen. Promoted myself to Senior Counter. [checked]
Day 5Went looking for a Manx red squirrel. The Mammal Society says there is no evidence there ever was one. Most relaxing search of my career. [checked]
Day 7Found out birds are dinosaurs. Have apologised to a pigeon. [checked]
Day 9Watched a Manx stoat in January. Still brown. They don’t turn white here. I’m still pink. Solidarity. [checked]
Day 11Rubbed out a note that said camels keep water in their humps. It’s fat. Being an eraser has its uses. [checked]
Day 12Kept 50 metres from a grey seal, as per the Coastal Code. It kept 50 metres from me. Mutual respect. [checked]
Day 14Wallabies. On the Isle of Man. Not a typo — escapees from a wildlife park in the 1960s. Like me, nobody is entirely sure how they ended up in charge of anything. [checked]
Day 15Tardigrades have survived outer space. I once survived a pencil sharpener. We are not the same. [checked]
Day 17Asked a basking shark what it does all day. It said nothing. It was eating plankton. Kindred spirit. [checked]
Day 19Ming the ocean quahog lived to 507. Asked how. Clam declined to comment. [checked]
Day 21Greenland sharks: at least 272 years. I have been at this desk since Tuesday and I need a sit down. [checked]
Day 22Mantis shrimps have 12 to 16 kinds of photoreceptor. I have two googly eyes and a vague sense of purpose. [checked]
Day 24Octopus: three hearts. I have none — rubber, you see — but I do feel things. [checked]
Day 25The kākāpō can’t fly and comes out at night. Finally, a role model. [checked]
Day 27Wrote “cheetahs do 114 km/h”. Was told that figure is unreliable. 114 93–104. Rubbed it out myself. Very satisfying. [checked]
Day 28Sorted the animals by colour. Was told that is not how classification works. Linnaeus never had to work with felt tips. [checked]
Day 30Sponges have no true tissues or organs and just sit there filtering water. Applied for the same job. Turns out I already have it. [checked]
Day 31Learned the whale’s closest living relative is the hippo. Told the hippo. It already knew. Hippos know everything. [checked]
Day 33Somebody left a sign: “Do not touch the baby birds.” Fair. But the old story that the parents will reject them if you do? Myth. Still don’t, though. [checked]
Day 34Swifts can stay up for ten months without landing. I struggle with ten minutes without a biscuit. [checked]
Every factual claim in these notes links to the source it was checked against. The jokes are unsourced and unrepentant.
